True love transcends the simplistic notion of finding one’s ‘other half.’ Renowned therapist Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh shares her insights into the six crucial elements that foster thriving partnerships.
Drawing from over a decade of extensive research and experience across more than 40 countries, Dr. Nasserzadeh provides a comprehensive guide to achieving ’emergent love’ in her latest book, “Love by Design.”
The Concept of Emergent Love
Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh introduces a novel framework for understanding love, one that shifts from the conventional idea of finding a perfect match. Instead, she emphasizes ’emergent love,’ akin to a fire that requires certain elements to keep burning brightly.
This model is built on six fundamental ingredients: mutual attraction, trust, respect, compassion, shared vision, and loving behaviour. Each element plays a crucial role in ensuring the relationship’s longevity and harmony.
Mutual Attraction: Foundation of Connection
Attraction can be multifaceted, encompassing social, physical, and financial aspects. It is unique to each individual, tailored to what they find appealing and wish to surround themselves with.
Dr. Nasserzadeh points out that recognising and valuing one’s attributes, along with those desired in a partner, forms the bedrock of mutual attraction. This extends beyond physical appearance to shared interests and values.
Trust and Its Pillars
Trust is built on consistency and reliability, crucial for a stable relationship. Financial trust, social trust, and loyalty are integral components.
A relationship devoid of trust is fragile. Dr. Nasserzadeh emphasizes the importance of confidences being kept and reliability in fulfilling commitments, which fortify the relationship’s framework.
Respect: The Core of Interaction
Respect in a relationship reflects how individuals treat each other and desire to be treated. It involves acknowledging personal and shared boundaries, ensuring mutual regard.
The absence of respect leads to conflicts and misunderstandings, eroding the partnership over time. According to Dr. Nasserzadeh, respect entails prioritising each other’s needs and valuing their significance.
Compassion: Beyond Self-Interest
Compassion involves being present for one’s partner without self-interest. It means understanding and addressing their needs without making it about oneself.
This ingredient goes beyond empathy, requiring active participation in alleviating each other’s burdens and celebrating their joys. It fosters a deep emotional connection and mutual support.
Shared Vision: Commitment in Adversity
A shared vision refers to common goals and aspirations that unite partners, especially during challenging times. It is easy to commit when things are smooth, but true commitment is tested in adversity.
Dr. Nasserzadeh asserts that having aligned objectives helps couples navigate difficulties, keeping their bond intact. This shared vision sustains the relationship through various life phases.
Loving Behaviour: Daily Acts of Tenderness
Loving behaviour consists of everyday actions that convey affection and exclusivity, such as tender touches, kind words, and supportive gestures.
These acts reinforce the romantic bond, making each partner feel valued and special. Dr. Nasserzadeh highlights that love is expressed through small, meaningful actions that consistently demonstrate care and appreciation.
Types of Couples: Configurations and Dynamics
Dr. Nasserzadeh categorises couples based on their dynamics and how they manage resources like time, energy, attention, and money. These configurations include ‘contemporary,’ ‘leftover,’ ‘submerged,’ and ’emergent’ couples.
Contemporary couples strive for balance and fairness, often negotiating shared responsibilities. ‘Leftover’ couples prioritize individuality, often relegating the relationship to a secondary status.
‘Submerged’ couples lose their individuality, creating a codependent dynamic. In contrast, ’emergent’ couples maintain clear boundaries and an equitable, interdependent partnership, embodying the ideal balance of personal and relational needs.
Maintaining Emergent Love: Practical Tools
Daily practices like ‘oy and joy’ check-ins help couples stay connected. This involves sharing daily burdens (‘oy’) and joys, fostering open communication and mutual support.
Such practices prevent couples from drifting apart, a common cause of separation. Regular check-ins and shared activities reinforce the bond, ensuring that the relationship remains vibrant and resilient.
Sexual Chemistry versus Sexual Harmony
Sexual chemistry is the initial spark, while sexual harmony involves ongoing attunement and mutual understanding. Dr. Nasserzadeh explains that transforming chemistry into harmony sustains the relationship’s sexual vitality.
This requires continuous learning and adaptability, where both partners contribute to a dynamic and fulfilling sexual relationship. Sexual harmony ensures that the connection remains engaging and satisfying over time.
The essence of a successful relationship lies in the interplay of these six ingredients, cultivated through conscious effort and mutual respect.
By understanding and implementing these principles, couples can achieve ’emergent love,’ characterized by a balanced, supportive, and enduring partnership.
